Note: Ain't Slayed Nobody is produced for the ear and includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the page. Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and may contain errors.

BLEEKER TRAILS, EPISODE 2: MORTAL COIL

cuppycup (Keeper): Ain’t Slayed Nobody is a produced actual play podcast intended for adults and may contain material that some people find disturbing. Please see the episode notes for content warnings and listen with care.

Gambler 1: *saloon music* Hurry up, mate, I need money for your girlfriend tonight.

Gambler 2: I'm thinking. Don't rush me. Raise, I guess.

Gambler 3: You guess? What, you're check raising us? 

Gambler 4: With what cards? 

Gambler 2: I made my hand.

Gambler 3: Oh, you're so full of shit, I swear. 

Gambler 1: Screw this mate, it's too rich for me.

Gambler 4: Fine. I'm all in.

Gambler 2: I call.

Gambler 4:  Read 'em and weep.

Sally: Boys, get over here!

Gambler 1: God damn it! On the river again! 

Gambler 4: Are you cheating us? You son of a bitch!

Gambler 1: Christ! You guys seeing this? Oh, what a beauty.

Gambler 2: Sorry. I can't see over these stacks.

Gambler 1: Out the window, you wanker.

Gambler 4: What the hell is he doing?

Townsperson 2: Oh, is that a dead snake?

Townsperson 1: Why is he dragging it around town? No one wants to see that.

Townsperson 3: Holy shit. Is that Lucy?

Sally: Get away from that window. I swear, we got a bunch of busybodies in here.

Gambler 1: Crikey, he's a big fella.

Townsperson 2: He can barely carry it. It's so...girthy.

Sally: What in tarnation?

Townsperson 2: Oh, God. Sally, don't look.

Sally: Jesus, Mary and Joseph, would you look at the size of that?

Townsperson 3: It's not that big.

Townsperson 2: *laughs* Girthy.

Sally: Isn't that the new magician?

Chuck (Eli): Fuck. This is a huge mistake, I think.

('DEAD MAN WALKING' BY CODY FRY PLAYS)
♪ I AM A DEAD MAN WALKIN' 
♪ I SEE THE LIGHT COMIN' 
♪ AND IT FEELS WARM ON MY FACE
♪ BUT I CAN TELL IT'S GONNA BURN ME DOWN

cuppycup (Keeper): The windows of the Fair Shake are packed with people pressed against the glass. They're gawking and making hand gestures. They seem excited to see Patience, who is returning from the show with Moni and other new fans in tow.

Townsperson 2: Did you see that new gunslinger? Annie Oakley and Frank Butler ain't shit.

Townsperson 3: What gunslinger? I'm sure that was a magician. Didn't you see his hat?

cuppycup (Keeper): As the rabble pours inside, Sally hurries away from the window and back behind the bar, struggling to keep up with orders from the gathering crowd.

Townsperson 4: Whiskey neat over here, too.

Gambler 2: Hey, I need a refill!

Bridgett (Moni): Moni with her sheer overconfidence is, "Oh, look, a bar is busy, and she's working by herself. Let me go behind the bar and start helping out."

Sally: Say, is this your job interview?

Bridgett (Moni): She wants to say something clever back, but she's immediately distracted by the next person in line. And she just says,

Moni: I suppose it is.

Gambler 3: *unintelligible* 

cuppycup (Keeper): Sally flashes an approving smile. Serving the eager patrons, you notice more heading toward the front window. There's a continuing commotion outside.

Gambler 3: Hey, fellas. What the heck is going on in the street?

cuppycup (Keeper): Sally seems perturbed.

Sally: You ever see such a thing?

Moni: Right. I couldn't believe it. Wasn't it just amazing?

Sally: I guess so. Certainly has people talking.

Moni: Hmm. You think they'll do it again?

Sally: With a bow?

Moni: No. That's more my style, dear.

Sally: Ok. Well, I think you got a customer.

cuppycup (Keeper): Can you give me SPOT HIDDEN rolls for both Moni and Patience?

Rina (Patience): *laughs* Well, you never know. Oh, I failed that.

Bridgett (Moni): That is a fail. 91.

cuppycup (Keeper): Moni can't get a good look, and the customers are getting rowdy.

Townsperson 2: You're killing me. I'm standing right here.

Townsperson 1: Two more beers, ma'am.

cuppycup (Keeper): Moni does notice Patience, who is also preoccupied standing near the bar, surrounded by adoring fans.

Townsperson 2: Hey, can we buy you a drink?

Bridgett (Moni): She's making very, very intentional eye contact with Patience, that almost "just fuck me" look.

cuppycup (Keeper): *laughs* Poor Milford.

Rina (Patience): Patience is going to lift their hat very politely.

Patience: Good evening. A whiskey neat. Finest you got. It's been a good day.

Bridgett (Moni): She will serve this up very quickly and just slide it over to Patience.

Patience: Might I get a name?

Moni: Moni. And you are?

Patience: Patience.

Moni: Patience... Well met.

Patience: Pleasure's all mine.

cuppycup (Keeper): As you two get acquainted, the line behind Patience is growing.

Townsperson 2: One round on me!

Townsperson 5: *slurring* Say, you got any matches?

Patience: I don't want to be holding up your other admirers, ma'am. So you have a good evening.

Rina (Patience): And then they're going to pull a flower out of the breast pocket of their coat, and they're going to hand it to Moni.

Bridgett (Moni): Moni is going to smile and take it, then give Patience the longest look as they walk back to their table.

cuppycup (Keeper): Patience finds an open two-top in the back beside a larger table where two men drone on about business at the train yard.

Rina (Patience): Got my feet up on another chair, keepin' an eye out for trouble. I think Miz Moni might be some trouble, but maybe more the fun kind.

cuppycup (Keeper): The conversation at the table next to you seems very dry.

Milford: On top of the wooden railroads?

Mr. Friend:  It's genius, isn't it?

cuppycup (Keeper): Moni, as you work the bar, you do spot Milford Hardpenny, your traveling companion. He's sitting in the back corner, at the table next to Patience's. He's having a drink with a man you've not seen before. He's dressed in a three-piece suit, wearing a bowler hat. That man seems average in every way. He smiles and nods while Milford is talking and making grand gestures with his hands. 

Milford: Of course, I've done my fair share of manual labor.

cuppycup (Keeper): Bridgett, if Moni would like to eavesdrop, give me a LISTEN roll.

Moni: Oh, for sure. Yeah.

Mr. Friend: Oh, I see. I may have just the thing for you.

Gambler 2: Moni actually FAILED that LISTEN check.

cuppycup (Keeper): Just as the conversation was getting interesting, a gruff cowboy centers himself in front of you at the bar, and he points over to what looks like raw alcohol.

Bridgett (Moni): She'll start getting that prepared and ask,

Moni: Sally, what time do you guys typically start shutting down?

Sally: I'll stop pouring whenever the crowd dies out or I get too tired.

Moni: I say, just in case my meal ticket over there leaves without me, how many nights stay did tonight earn me?

Sally: You can stay for free any night I have an open room.

Moni: Sally, I like you more and more. Did you know that?

Sally: I like you too, Moni. You know, it's hard to find good help around here.

cuppycup (Keeper): Sally gestures toward Jed, who's come in, sloshing a bucket of water all over the place.

Jed: Your hero in black saves the day yet again.

Sally: Looks like you lost half the bucket. Be a dear and go fetch just another one.

Bridgett (Moni): She points over to Milford.

Bridgett (Moni): I know the feeling. Oh, speaking of my meal ticket, who's the three-piece suit that he's talking to?

Sally: Oh, Mr. Friend. He's a sod. I think he's some kind of small-time lawyer.

Moni: Hmm. Local? Or is he new to town?

Sally: Not local. All slimy man slither through Junction eventually. Jed seems to like him, though.

Moni: A slimy lawyer? Who could have imagined.

cuppycup (Keeper): Milford notices the two of you looking over in his direction. He stands up and vigorously shakes Mr. Friend's hand, then collects their empty glasses and walks to the bar.

Milford: Moni, you've certainly kept busy. I meant to visit earlier. My friend, Mr. Friend, is quite a captivating fellow. Mr. Friend, huh? My friend. *cheesy laugh*

Bridgett (Moni): Oh, he's so corny. *laughs*

Milford: He's a well-connected man, Moni. He can really help us get started here in Junction. Tomorrow morning, Mr. Friend promises to take me to the breaker yard. You know, if everything works out, I bet I'll be able to afford a ring in no time. 

Moni: *sighs* Oh, Milford, Milford, Milford. Tomorrow. Right. Do you mind if I accompany you? I have an audition, but I'll make time for this.

Milford: I would love to bring you along, Moni. It's just that I don't want any surprises for Mr. Friend. Let me take the first meeting, darlin'. And once I know our prospects, you can turn on that famous woo of yours and really bring it home.

Moni: I suppose. But could you make me one promise? Just one.

Milford: Anything. Anything at all.

Moni: Before you sign any paperwork, let's sit down and have a meal together. The three of us.

Bridgett (Moni): She thinks Milford is getting played and hates herself for even caring.

Milford: Of course, darlin'. Early start tomorrow morning. We should get a room and turn in.

Moni: Oh. Sally offered a room for my services here tonight.

Milford: Moni, you're just amazing, aren't you?

Bridgett (Moni): And she's thinking, "God, I should be sleeping in Patience's this room tonight."

Moni: Milford, sweetie, go see if you can catch up with Mr. Friend to set up that meal and I'll get the room all situated.

cuppycup (Keeper): Sally hands Moni the key to Suite 12 as Milford blunders out into the darkness to find Mr. Friend.

Sally: There you go.

cuppycup (Keeper): Before long, all you can hear is Milford's fake laughter filter in off the streets.

Bridgett (Moni): Yeah... God help us all.

cuppycup (Keeper): Despite the crowd, Sally is looking for things to do. She brushes past you to clean the bar top. Tonight, the clientele are favoring Moni for their drink orders.

Rina (Patience): When I finish my drink, I'll meander up to Sally and ask about a room for the night.

Sally: What type of room are you looking for?

Patience: Some stabling for my horse and a good bed for me and I'll be right as rain.

Sally: That's easy enough. I'll even give you a discount, seeing as the other customers like having you around. $0.75 a night for the bed and the livery fee.

Rina (Patience): I'll pass her $0.75.

Sally: Thank you kindly. Just the one night?

Patience: For now.

cuppycup (Keeper): Sally drops the coins into her apron and takes a key from under the bar. She gives that a quick polish with a bar rag, then slides that across. It's labeled room 4.

Patience: Much obliged, ma'am. Where can I take my horse, Rascal?

Sally: I saw you tie him up. Jed'll walk him to the livery. Your horse will be safe.

Rina (Patience): And I'll go outside, pat down Rascal, make sure he's comfortable, take my saddle bags and go upstairs. If I pass Moni on the way up, I'll give her a wink and a discreet flash of the key number before I go upstairs.

Bridgett (Moni): Oh, I love Patience so much.

cuppycup (Keeper): *laughs* Ok. You walk up the sweeping staircase to the bedrooms, followed by Moni's gaze. After a brief hunt, you find a room door with a crooked 4 painted on it and head inside. The modest room has a small bed pushed against the wall, with a crusty chamber pot hiding underneath. A dusty desk and chair fill one corner and a wardrobe leans against the wall like an abandoned casket.

Rina (Patience): Had a long few days of riding the trails. And so I just start painstakingly writing a letter back home to Mickey and Caroline, very, very slowly, because I'm not very good with letters.

cuppycup (Keeper): You can hear a voice or voices beyond the thin walls of your room. Give me a LISTEN roll.

Rina (Patience): Nope. I'm not that great at listening.

cuppycup (Keeper): Sure, you're focused on the letter, and Patience hears just an unintelligible murmur.

Rina (Patience): It's all the shooting.

cuppycup (Keeper): Yeah. Tinnitus or something. And remind me, who are Mickey and Caroline?

Rina (Patience): My polycule partners.

cuppycup (Keeper): Patience has disappeared upstairs to room 4, leaving Moni to finish up at the bar.

Sally: I can take it from here.

Bridgett (Moni): Once things are winding down and it looks like Sally has things under control, she heads upstairs. She will stop by room 4, and then with one of her blades, she cuts off part of this dark purple ribbon from her skirt, and she ties it into a bow over the doorknob. And she thinks about knocking, but then just decides to retire to room 12.

cuppycup (Keeper): There's a large bed and a polished brass frame sitting atop a cowhide rug. A claw-footed bathtub sits against the far wall near a large window, offering a view of a dingy alley below.

Bridgett (Moni): She gives the room a once over and briefly looks out the window, saying to herself, "I really hate this town."

cuppycup (Keeper): Well, since you looked out the window, I have to ask you for a SPOT HIDDEN.

Bridgett (Moni): Oh. *laughs* Ok, I did that one to myself, didn't I? That is a REGULAR SUCCESS.

cuppycup (Keeper): You're seeing a man walking slowly through the alley. He's familiar. It might be Jesse, the man you paid to deliver your letter.

Bridgett (Moni): Oh, I love Jesse.

cuppycup (Keeper): He's walking along the side of the Fair Shake Saloon, and he's dragging something? Yeah... You hear the heels of boots scraping into the dirt.

Bridgett (Moni): She's going to bite her bottom lip and try to push that view and those sounds directly out of her mind.

cuppycup (Keeper): A scream from the main street grabs your attention, and Jesse's skullduggery is drowned out by the town's antics. Looking back, he's gone.

Chuck (Eli): I mean, I was carrying 20 feet of snake down the street.

cuppycup (Keeper): Yes. And we love you for it.

Chuck (Eli): And I am going to begin dragging it back to the camp to find the animal person and see if he has any understanding of what the hell this is and why it was in Junction, Texas.

cuppycup (Keeper): Chuck, give me a STRENGTH check to see how fast Eli's walking with this 200-pound snake around his neck, dragging behind him.

Chuck (Eli): I would assume not very quickly. So I FAILED with a 52.

cuppycup (Keeper): Do you want to PUSH that roll?

Chuck (Eli): No, not really. I don't think I care that much.

Gambler 1: What in God's name is that?

cuppycup (Keeper): You drag this hulking snake corpse down the main street and progress is slow. People point with gasps and screams. No one can quite believe it.

Townsperson 5: Oh, I think I'm going to be sick.

Townsperson 4: Ain't that the magician fella?

cuppycup (Keeper): A bottle is thrown from the shadows and smashes near your feet. People scatter before the bloody procession.

Chuck (Eli): Yeah. It is a slow and laborious process.

cuppycup (Keeper): Now, I do want to ask you for a SANITY check. You butchered a 20 foot long snake that happened to be swallowing a man.

Chuck (Eli): Oh, it's my first one.

cuppycup (Keeper): That might be everyone's first one.

Chuck (Eli): It's 58. That's a SUCCESS.

cuppycup (Keeper): Ok, you find some way to rationalize what happened.

Chuck (Eli): I'm just totally chill with the idea of a guy being eaten by a snake in Junction, Texas.

cuppycup (Keeper): I guess so. Yeah. And when you did cut the snake away from his body, most of the gelatinous gray skin had already slid off the man's skull.

Chuck (Eli): Ok... Ok. Sounds like he was probably already dead.

cuppycup (Keeper): It's hard to say, but I won't keep asking you for SANITY checks.

Eli: You can only get so wet, I think.

cuppycup (Keeper): Exhausted, you drag the heavy snake to the medicine show, leaving behind the gawking faces at windows. It's getting late as you arrive, and a surreal quiet has descended over the once lively site. You can't see much in what flickering torches are still lit. Give me a LUCK roll; you said you were looking for the animal trainer.

Chuck (Eli): Nope. That's a 69. Which is a FAIL. Not nice.

cuppycup (Keeper): Yeah. Out of the shadows, the compere appears.

Pinky: So have you seen a... Oh God, no. What have you done? What have you done?!

Eli: I carried a 20 foot snake down the street.

Pinky: *frantic* We cannot let Victor find you like this. Did anyone see you?

Eli: I mean, how many people were at the saloon?

Pinky: No!!! This is going to ruin this camp. All the rapport we've been building. We need to think, think, think, think, Pinky!!

Eli:  Your name is Pinky? I hope I nuked your campaign right from the beginning by killing a snake and dragging it back to the camp.

cuppycup (Keeper): I'll tell you this, it's interesting. I'm going to roll for the compere. He's PASSED his SANITY check.

Pinky: Oh, Lucy, what are we going to do with you?

Eli: Who's Lucy?

Pinky: Lucy? The snake. Victor's most prized animal.

Eli: Your friend Lucy was eating some of the prized citizens of Junction.

Pinky: Oh, mon dieu, I knew she'd escaped. Oh, we should have made that announcement. This is a nightmare.*babbles in French* Oh, Lucy. *sobs* Why?!

Eli: It's ok. It's ok. Maybe we can cover this up. What would you like me to do about this situation?

cuppycup (Keeper): He turns and notices that a few people lingering from the show are watching the two of you, and William is there, mimicking his frantic gestures.

Child: I told you to shoot them, Pa.

Pinky: *frustrated* Oh, will you fuck off?! Sacre blu! Come, Eli. Let's take Lucy somewhere more private, ok?

cuppycup (Keeper): And he's waving you on to drag the snake behind some wagons.

Performer: Hey, now don't waste that! That's good meat!

Pinky: Shh. Shh, shh! 

Chuck (Eli): *laughs* Sure. And that's about as far as I'll take the snake.

Pinky: Eli, we need to destroy the evidence. Do you have any ideas?

Eli: You got a bonfire?

Pinky: Won't a bonfire draw *more* attention?

Eli: I mean, if you already have one...no.

Pinky: No. No, no, no. That's too close to the tents and to this stage. I know! We can throw the snake into the well.

Eli: I love it.

cuppycup (Keeper): *laughs* Ok.

Eli: That's using your noggin, Pinky.

cuppycup (Keeper): Pinkie picks his way from shadow to shadow and leads the way as you drag this enormous snake into the night. He swipes a lantern and hurries into the desert.

Chuck (Eli): Eli is growing less and less interested in helping with whatever this is with each yard.

cuppycup (Keeper): Give me a SPOT HIDDEN as you reconsider this idea. *laughs* Oh my God.

Chuck (Eli): That's a FUMBLE with a 100. So am I going to have to roll a new character pretty soon? *laughs* 

cuppycup (Keeper): Not necessarily.

Chuck (Eli): Do what you got to do, man.

cuppycup (Keeper): You and the compere are walking in the desert. You're dragging the snake and he's wandering off with that flickering lantern to look for the well. Well, Eli runs into something at the knees and topples over into something.

Chuck (Eli): Did I just fall in the well?

cuppycup (Keeper): I'm going to give you a chance to roll for DEXTERITY. 

Chuck (Eli): *chuckles* 96.

cuppycup (Keeper): Oh no. Would you like to PUSH that roll? With the caveat that another fail might be really bad for Eli.

Chuck (Eli): Yes, I absolutely want to PUSH that roll.

cuppycup (Keeper): Ok. You're sliding forward and the snake is bearing down on your neck. If you succeed, either you or the snake can stay dry.

Chuck (Eli): And PUSHING that roll is a SUCCESS with a 49. And so I drop the snake.

cuppycup (Keeper): It feels like you're going to fall in, but you manage to tumble off the stones into the safety of the dirt on the other side. The snake has disappeared like a rabbit into a hat.

Chuck (Eli): And as I stand on the other side, I just sort of deadpan look at Pinky, and there's like a pregnant pause. And then I go:

Eli: Ta da!

cuppycup (Keeper): *laughs* Good. The compere doesn't applaud. He looks past you in horror.

Jed: Howdy, partners.

Pinky: Zut alors! The sheriff.

Jed: Who do we have here?

cuppycup (Keeper): You turn to watch the man approach out of the darkness, carrying an empty bucket.

Chuck (Eli): He is being polite.

Eli: Eli. Eli Malcolm.

Jed: Oh, I know you. You're that fancy magician, huh? You know, there's a fella claims you told him to be all French like. And he don't like it much. Pretty funny, though.

Eli: Awesome.

cuppycup (Keeper): Jed nods at Pinky, pushing past and starts to winch up the bucket. Can I get a LUCK role for Eli?

Chuck (Eli): SUCCESS with 37.

cuppycup (Keeper): While he slops the water from the well into his own bucket, he starts to quiz you.

Jed: So is this, like, real magic? Because I'm the sheriff, you might have noticed. And I won't take kindly if I were to start speaking fucking French. No offense, Pinky, but it's stupid.

Pinky: Oh, none taken, I assure you.

Eli: If you want to learn the secrets, you'll have to study the dark arts.

Jed: Oh, is that right? Hmm. Well, maybe I will. You two just remember I'm always watching. Like a hawk. Catch you later, Buckaroos. *falls* God damn it. That rock wasn't there earlier. That son of a bitch.

cuppycup (Keeper): He starts heading back toward the saloon's bawdy music.

Jed: Got a hole in my suit. That better not have been you, wizard.

cuppycup (Keeper): The compere drops a rock into the well and is now peering into it with his lantern.

Pinky: I'm sorry I misjudged the distance. I do hope the snake doesn't compromise the water supply.

Eli: Might I suggest that you find other water sources?

Pinky: Oh, merde. Maybe we should fish the snake out of the well. I think I see it down there.

Eli: I'll tell you what, Pinky. I helped you carry this snake here. What you do with this snake here at this point is up to you.

cuppycup (Keeper): His shoulders shrink into a pout.

Pinky: I understand. Well, we did what we set out to do.

cuppycup (Keeper): Chuck, give me another LUCK roll for Eli.

Chuck (Eli): FAIL. 75.

cuppycup (Keeper): Ok, well, nothing happens.

Chuck (Eli): *laughs* But later they're going to find the snake. Fuck. I feel like I should probably wash the snake guts off, as there's water, and eat.

cuppycup (Keeper): Sure. Eli and Pinky walk back to the campsite in silence, and he leaves you at your tent. There are communal basins and water to clean up and try to get the blood out of your clothing.

Eli: Good night, Pinky.

cuppycup (Keeper): Then he slinks off into the darkness.

Pinky: *muttering* It's not. It's really not.

Chuck (Eli): As is his custom, as Eli lies down for the evening, he takes out two of his throwing knives and he sticks them in the ground right next to his pillow, so that they are at the ready.

cuppycup (Keeper): Yeah, that might be a good idea tonight. Back in room 4, Patience finishes up their letter to Mickey and Caroline. Tired, they fold it into an envelope and get ready to turn in. Give me a LISTEN roll as you do.

Rina (Patience): I FAILED.

cuppycup (Keeper): Ok, no problem. The fading murmurs of passing guests in the hallway are long gone. Left in silence, you can make out the faint creak of floorboards. Someone is moving slowly across the landing outside the room. A door opens and shuts, likely another customer turning in for the night.

Rina (Patience): I think they'll poke their head out just to see the kind of people who are going in and out.

cuppycup (Keeper): Ok. Since you're taking a look, I'll give you a chance at SPOT HIDDEN.

Rina (Patience): Ah, I was kind of hoping you would. Goddamnit. I have FAILED every roll tonight.

cuppycup (Keeper): You feel like you just miss someone as you scan the empty landing with a lingering sense of doubt.

Rina (Patience): They'll see the bow on the door, just sort of smile and take it in with them, and then they'll go to bed. I'm going to keep my knives under my pillow where I can easily grab them and stab someone if I have to.

cuppycup (Keeper): This is becoming a bit of a theme. The night turns uneventful and you drift off, until Patience is startled awake.

Sally: *screams* 

Jed: Jesus, not again!

Rina (Patience): I am going to leap out of bed, grab my holstered handguns, sling them over my shoulder, and run out the door with one gun in my hand, the other one holstered.

Gambler 1: Hey, did you hear that?

Gambler 3: Get down, get down!

cuppycup (Keeper): Moni, you're asleep on the other side of the saloon, so I'll ask you for a LISTEN roll.

Bridgett (Moni): Moni FAILED that LISTEN roll. Somewhere between her talking in her sleep and Milford snoring, we probably missed that entirely.

Rina (Patience): *snarky* Mhm.

cuppycup (Keeper): Patience runs out onto the landing and hears commotion coming from room 1; that's at the very end of the hall.

Rina (Patience): Is the door open?

cuppycup (Keeper): It's not.

Rina (Patience): Ok.

cuppycup (Keeper): You hear a man and a woman in a panic.

Sally: What's happening? Why is he here?

Jed: *mutters* You get down, or I'm gonna shoot!

Rina (Patience): Is the door locked? I'm gonna try and push it open.

cuppycup (Keeper): It is locked.

Rina (Patience): I'm gonna start pounding on the door.

cuppycup (Keeper): Gunshots ring out inside the room, almost in response to your knocking. Rina, give me a LUCK roll for Patience.

Rina (Patience): With my really bad LUCK.

cuppycup (Keeper): Oh, do you have bad LUCK?

Rina (Patience): Yeah. Yep. I failed that.

cuppycup (Keeper): There are 3 gunshots and one tears through the door, hitting Patience in the thigh. Oh, but that's a good roll. Just 1 point of DAMAGE.

Rina (Patience): *laughs* So it's like a graze.

cuppycup (Keeper): Yeah. It's grazed your thigh and wedged into the railing behind you. Then the door to room 1 bursts open and Sally is standing there in a nightgown, her face white as a ghost and wet with tears. She reaches forward and grabs Patience by the collar.

Sally: *panicked* Help us. We're being attacked.

Rina (Patience): Both of my handguns are out now, and I'm...

Patience: Alright, ma'am. Please keep calm. What can I do? What was the screaming? Is there someone in there with you?

cuppycup (Keeper): Moni, you'll hear gunfire followed by commotion. Milford darts upright in bed.

Milford: Oh, my God. It's a shootout.

cuppycup (Keeper): He drops to the floor and crawls underneath the bed.

Bridgett (Moni): Yeah, he does.

Rina (Patience): *laughs* Of course he does.

Bridgett (Moni): My God, of course he does. 

Rina (Patience): Oh, Milford.

Bridgett (Moni): When the bullets start flying, Milford goes flying: under tables, under beds. Oh, pathetic. Moni's going to struggle out of bed, look at Milford and go,

Moni: This is actually happening again. My God.

Bridgett (Moni): She leaves the room and cautiously walks towards the direction of the gunfire.

cuppycup (Keeper): Ok.

Milford: Moni? Moni, where are you going? Moni, get under the bed!

Guest 1: Mabel, get back into the room. 

Guest 2: I'm in danger.

Guest 3: Back in the room, sweetie.

cuppycup (Keeper): Leaving the room and quietly pacing down the hall, Moni will see Sally shaking Patience by the collar. It looks like your friend has a bloody tear in the pant leg. What happens next with Patience?

Rina (Patience): Well, the door is open, so what do I see inside? Because if I see an intruder, I was going to shoot because I've got both my guns out now.

cuppycup (Keeper): Patience sees Jed standing in his long johns, wearing his sheriff's hat and holding a smoking dragoon. He's pointing the pistol at a body draped over the end of the bed. The sheets are soaked through with blood, and the man is still. From the clothing, he reminds you of the vagabonds outside.

Patience: Sheriff, you got this all in hand?

Jed: I'm the sheriff. I'm the sheriff. You can't be in here. I'm the sheriff.

cuppycup (Keeper): Jed prods the body with the long barrel of his gun.

Jed: Ginger, how'd you get in here? This don't make a lick of sense.

Rina (Patience): I'm gonna look at Sally.

Patience: Ma'am, you mind explaining what happened?

Sally: We were sleeping, and I was wearing my sleep mask, as I do. Jed woke and started hollering that Ginger was in the room attacking him. He must have got his gun because he started shooting. Oh, my. It was loud. Is he dead? He looks dead.

Rina (Patience): If I see Moni coming, I'm going to nod at Sally with the tip of my head and move in to the the room slowly with my weapon still ready, just like:. 

Patience: Now, Sheriff, you seem a little disorientated. If you don't mind, you might want to put them weapons down.

Jed: You ain't the sheriff. I'm the sheriff.

cuppycup (Keeper): Jed is red in the face, but he does throw the gun on the mattress before wiping his hands on his long johns with a grimace.

Patience: Thank you kindly.

Bridgett (Moni): Moni quickly pops her head into the room to see how Patience is holding up. It's not actually articulated, more just the look saying, "Are you okay?"

Rina (Patience): Patience just sort of nods. I've had worse.

Bridgett (Moni): Reassured by Patience's nod, Moni will turn her attention to the rest of these shocked guests who have piled out of their rooms.

Crowd: *muttering and screaming*

Moni: Everything's fine, just fine. Now go back to your rooms. There's nothing worth seeing here. Yes, a few shots were fired, but it's all under control. I hope.

Guest 3: Who's shooting guns?

Guest 1: It wasn't me!

Gambler 1: Oh. Oh, dear Lord. Who's dead?

Gambler 4: Everybody clear out!

Rina (Patience): How many shots did this corpse take?

cuppycup (Keeper): Upon inspection, only one of Jed's shots hit. The man's body lies lifeless among bullet-holed sheets. His skin is sickly gray.

Jed: *sighs* I'm sorry for the disturbance. I just... What the hell? I can see if I can find a busted door or something to carry him out on. Come on, Sally.

Sally: Oh. Yeah. I can help with that.

Rina (Patience): I'm going to look over the body.

cuppycup (Keeper): Give me a SPOT HIDDEN on the body.

Bridgett (Moni): You'll make this one. This is the one that's going to break it.

Rina (Patience): Yes. Speak that truth into the universe, Bridgett. EXTREME!

Bridgett (Moni): Yes!!

cuppycup (Keeper): As you look over the leathery gray skin, you notice traces of what might be opium. Yeah, at the fingertips and even on the lips.

Patience: Dirty drug. Didn't know it had got all the way out here yet. Well, that explains a lot.

cuppycup (Keeper): On the EXTREME SUCCESS, in the man's interior jacket pocket, you find a not quite empty bottle of magical elixir.

Bridgett (Moni): Nice.

Rina (Patience): Hmm. The Doctor Bleeker stuff?

cuppycup (Keeper): Yes.

Rina (Patience): Hmm. Does it have an opium scent to it?

cuppycup (Keeper): You're getting a hint of that ammonia smell, but it's overwhelmed by a sweet aroma, almost like a honey wine. The liquid is cloudy. There are mashed ingredients, floating particles in the drink. From your travels, you might know that that's not uncommon for snake oils.

Patience: Well, now, Miz Moni, have a look at this here.

Bridgett (Moni): This kind of catches Moni off guard as she's at the door. She's actually inspecting the lock right now to see how the deceased might have entered, just seeing if it was noticeably picked or if there had been any tampering.

cuppycup (Keeper): You don't see any signs of forced entry.

Patience: Well, hell, we got us here a mystery. I don't rightly like this.

Moni: I don't like *that*. Do you want me to look at that for you?

Patience: Look at what?

Rina (Patience):  It's almost like Patience is only just noticing the injury because they were kind of in an adrenaline rush.

Patience: Oh, well, that'd be mighty kind of you. I do seem to have destroyed my trousers.

Moni: I'm sure we can get those mended up. These aren't the circumstances I imagined for taking them off.

Bridgett (Moni): *laughs* Alright. Sorry. Focus, focus, focus. FIRST AID. Here we go. Here we go. 67 over 60. How bad do I really want to impress Patience today? I'm so tempted. Keeper, can I just burn the LUCK?

cuppycup (Keeper): Oh, yeah, I'd love that.

Bridgett (Moni): Ok, we're going to go ahead and burn the LUCK.

cuppycup (Keeper): When Moni was inspecting the room, she found some bandages. So you can patch up Patience with no trouble.

Rina (Patience): Yay!

Bridgett (Moni): Yay!

Rina (Patience): Back up to my full 25.

cuppycup (Keeper): Jed and Sally crash through the door. They're carrying a large ad board for Bleeker's All-in-one miracle cure.

Jed: Thank you kindly for your support, citizens. But we got this.

Sally: Sure. Right. Jed and I can deal with them. It's not the first dead vagrant we've had to deal with.

Jed: Go take your mind off this foulness.

Patience: Don't you got an audition to get to, Miz Moni?

Moni: Oh, damn. The audition. Yes. I almost forgot.

Patience: I can give you a ride.

Bridgett (Moni): Oh, the look she gives you, like, "Oh, really? We're going to do that first thing this morning?" And she says,

Moni: I would love to ride with you, Patience.

Patience: On the horse.

Moni: Oh, well, that's disappointing.

Rina (Patience): *laughs* I wish I could see cup's face right now.

cuppycup (Keeper): *laughs* Oh, God. The mood changed. Patience fetches Rascal from the livery and rides into camp with Moni. As you approach, you see performers setting up the stage and eager merchants opening their wagons. The people around camp recognize Patience and Rascal from the night prior, turning heads, tipping their hats, waving. Of course the compere flags you down as you near the stage. He looks disheveled, like he didn't get a minute of sleep.

Pinky: Oh, Patience! Are you here to honor us with an encore?

Patience: I might be up for that later, if you'd enjoy it. But I think my friend here has got some kind of showing off to do. Don't know what you rightly do, Miz Moni, but looking forward to seeing it.

Bridgett (Moni): Oh, she does one of those fake swoon things like, oh, she's just so in love.

Pinky: Oh, Ms. Moni, it is a pleasure to meet you at last. I believe I received your announcement from a drunken hobo last night. Classy.

Patience: Well, now you've got some kind of tone I don't rightly like, Mr. Pinky.

Pinky: Well, I am French.

Patience: I guess they all sound like that over there. Alright.

Bridgett (Moni): *laughs* God.

Pinky: Is there anything you need, Ms. Moni, to perform your very best?

Moni: Oh, does one of the dancers have a boa I could borrow? Sally actually gave me an idea.

cuppycup (Keeper): The compere steals a fluffy yellow boa from a surprised dancer nearby and frantically struggles with it, almost tripping as he hands it to Moni.

Dancer: *grumbles in Spanish*

Moni: I think I might have everything else I need here.

Bridgett (Moni): Moni shows Patience a bottle of moonshine that she actually took from the saloon.

Pinky: And how shall I introduce you?

Moni: I am Lady Solar.

Pinky: Oh, Lady Solar, in a daytime performance. The name checks out.

Moni: Oh, you're just so clever, aren't you?

cuppycup (Keeper): He looks pleased.

Bridgett (Moni): *laughs* Oh God.

cuppycup (Keeper): The compere marches onto the stage.

Pinky: And a new dawn has come, ladies and gentlemen. As the sun climbs to its zenith, I offer you its most precious daughter. Put your hands together for the sizzling Lady Solar!

Moni: Thank you, Pinky. Say, would you pass me that chair?

Bridgett (Moni): Then Moni will actually turn to address the crowd, and it's just a proud stance, chest high, hands on her hip.

Moni: The name of this dance...

Bridgett (Moni):  And she glances over at Patience, her eyes looking them up and down.

Moni: ...is the El Paso Sunrise.

Rina (Patience): Patience just smirks a little bit.

Moni: Music!

Performer: Alright. You know what to play. *burlesque music starts up*

Bridgett (Moni): She's stepping in time, of course, with the music, while drawing the boa slowly over her shoulders. 

cuppycup (Keeper): The compere backs away and sits down hard on a crate mopping his brow.

Pinky: *mutters in French*

Bridgett (Moni): *laughs* Swinging the chair around in front of her, she bangs it down and then her eyes flutter up to Patience. She locks eyes with them, and then she points one finger at the chair and mouths the word "Sit".

cuppycup (Keeper): *laughs* Oh god.

Patience: Alright. Woman of mystery. Kind of like it.

Bridgett (Moni): Then Moni pulls the cork out of the bottle with her teeth, spitting it on to the stage floor and then takes this deep drink. All the while, her eyes are like, "Fuck me", locked on to Patience.

Old Lady: Hey, get those kids out of here. I want to watch the show!

Bridgett (Moni): Moni will push the bottle into Patience's hand, sitting them down, and begins to dance. The tassels of her skirt start shimmying over Patience's arm as the boa slinks over all of Moni's curves with this 75 size. And the boa kind of obscures parts of her right at the exact moment when she's about to reveal a little too much.

Old Lady: Take it off! 

Performer: This ain't right first thing in the morning.

Bridgett (Moni): Afterwards, she comes up behind Patience again. She reaches over, plucks the bottle from their hand, and then she begins to showgirl walk, allowing moonshine to splash onto the stage as she goes. After she does a full circle, she picks one of the stage lamps, hopefully lighting the entire circle of moonshine that is enshrining Patience.

Pinky: *panicked* No, no, no, no. What are you doing? *mutters in French*

cuppycup (Keeper): Oh, give me a DEX roll to kick that lantern. It's quite high up on the wagon side.

Bridgett (Moni): Ok, ok. Alright. That was a 47. SUCCESS. She lifts her leg very high.

cuppycup (Keeper): Moni, you kick the lantern free of its holder, shattering it. A ring of fire erupts around Patience as it hits the stage.

Rina (Patience): *gleeful* Yes!

Pinky: Ah, merde! Fire! Fire! Call the bucket brigade!

Crowd: Fire! There's a fire! Somebody get help! You fetch water from the well!

cuppycup (Keeper): In the flames, Moni, you see flickers of faces better left in your past.

Bridgett (Moni):  Steeling herself, Moni is going to do a butterfly kick to flip across the flames while still holding a bottle, finding herself straddled on Patience's lap.

Rina (Patience): *gleeful* Yes!

Child: I've never seen a dance like this, Pa.

Rina (Patience): *laughing uproariously* I wish I could see cup's face right now.

cuppycup (Keeper): It's covered by my hands. *laughs* Oh my God.

Old Lady: She's a real piece of work, Arthur.

Arthur: You bet. That one's a piston.

Rina (Patience): Patience is mentally writing a letter home to Caroline and Mickey right now.

cuppycup (Keeper): Give me CHARM or APPEARANCE.

Bridgett (Moni): She hit a 52 under 90. But what she's going to do, because this is really important to her, is to burn the 7 points of LUCK to make this a HARD SUCCESS.

cuppycup (Keeper): *laughs* Ok. Patience can interpret what the HARD SUCCESS means to them.

Rina (Patience): You're not leaving that in, are you? *laughs*

cuppycup (Keeper): *laughs* It's too bad Milford wasn't here for this.

Bridgett (Moni): Oh, God. Oh, Milford.

Rina (Patience): Oh, Milford.

Bridgett (Moni): Moni takes another slug of moonshine before smashing it into the stage, making just a plume of obscuring fire. And then she grinds her hips and slowly leans into Patience with a smile, as if she's getting ready to kiss them.

Rina (Patience): Yes! 

Old Lady: Ride those hips, youngster!

Moni:  And *that* is what a sunrise in El Paso feels like.

Patience: Can confirm.

Bridgett (Moni):  As the wall of fire drops back, Moni is holding a perfect handstand on Patience's chair. She strokes one foot down the opposite leg and performs a full split.

cuppycup (Keeper): *laughs* Jesus, okay. The crowd gasps as the compere and staff beat out the fire.

Pinky: Allez! Put it out, put it out!

Townsperson 2: What were they thinking with this act?

Old Lady: I wonder if I can still do that.

Arthur: Oh, she's got nothing on you.

Bridgett (Moni): Aww, they're my favorite.

Old Lady: Let's get back to the hotel, dear.

Child:  Look, Pa, you can see her...*train whistle*

cuppycup (Keeper): As Moni's finale hits its climax, the first train of the day draws squealing into Junction across town. It's inside one of these carriages, baked by the mid-morning sun. We meet our next player character. London Carlisle, what is Julius up to?

London (Julius): Julius is kind of sitting up attentively to this book that he has, he's reading. He's just starting it. He just finished his last book. But as he starts that,

Julius: It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

London (Julius): As he reads "A Tale of Two Cities" by Charles Dickens.

cuppycup (Keeper): Oh, nice. You must have lost track of time, losing yourself in the new book, only vaguely aware of the landscape changing. Civilization and greener pastures giving way to lonely ravines spanned by rusted bridges. The sun is glaring fiercely through the dust-smeared windows as you bake in your bench seat. Out the window on your right side, there are two water stops with big metal tanks. Further ahead, you'll notice train cars that are out of operation in a scrap yard. There are already porters lined up to assist passengers with baggage. The air is stifling as the steam whistle sounds and a stomach-lurching jolt tells you you have arrived. You pull out your bookmark to keep your place, a dog-eared flier for Bleeker's Marvelous Medicine Show. You are here to perform and earn your place at the table. You turn it over in your hand and watch other hopefuls disembark.

London (Julius): There's a couple of things on the flier that stuck out to Julius. First off, "seeking individuals of extraordinary talent". Hey, who's stronger than him? And then he saw the "traveling family". This is a way to travel, this is a way to see these lands and perhaps gain knowledge, just from the other people within the family and on the road. So this peaked his interest. And he didn't write back. He just loaded up his chest extra heavy and just wanted to show up with them. These trunks are just filled to the brim with books and some of his equipment to these, I believe the term is trapezoidal, weights and other assorted weights he has with him.

Porter: Stand clear of the doors. Disembark. This is your destination. Next stop, San Antonio. Come on now.

London (Julius): Julius closes the book, gathers his things and just starts to disembark.

cuppycup (Keeper): On the platform, Julius, you stop and take it all in, when suddenly a porter screams. Spinning around, you see a shape, squat and hairy, sitting atop a passenger carriage, silhouetted by the climbing sun.

Crowd: Um, what is that thing? Look out, here's a monster on the train!

cuppycup (Keeper): It snarls at people on the platform, sowing confusion and distress.

Crowd: What the hell is that?

Chester: *snarls* Run, little piggies! 

Crowd: Run for your life! *screaming* 

cuppycup (Keeper): The animal growls and leaps down into the crowd.

Crowd: *screaming, confusion*

cuppycup (Keeper): I need a SPOT HIDDEN from Brandon.

Brandon (Chester): Nope!

Crowd: *screaming, terror*

Porter: Get out of here, you! Get back, get back!

Crowd:  Yeah, get the mop! Anybody got a gun?

cuppycup (Keeper): Julius, the brave porter steps in front of you and brings the mop down savagely on the attacker.

London (Julius): Julius steps forward. He's kind of intrigued now.

cuppycup (Keeper): And at this point we can introduce Brandon Wainerdi, and his character, Chester.

Porter: I don't want to have to whip your ass in front of all these children, but I will.

Brandon (Chester): Chester McCoy has been traversing from town to town. Does he get accepted onto trains and railroads? Not necessarily.

Porter: I warned you. Now you're gettin' the mop!

Brandon (Chester): People don't think twice about him, but he has been getting this same letter over and over again in all the bars that he's been stopping in throughout his journeys, and frankly, he's just tired of getting this damn letter over and over again. So finally he has scrawled a note back and is headed to Junction. His note is brief. It is just, "you'll know me when you see me. I never went to school, but I'm smart, I swear. You try me. And stop telling the bartenders at the cities I stop to tell me to come work for you. You get one chance." Sends that off. And he's been on his way to Junction ever since. So here he is.

Porter: Motherfucker!

cuppycup (Keeper): The old porter tries to gasp for a breath and totters backward, sitting down hard on the platform benches. He eyes Chester, then Julius, thinking.

Porter: Now listen here. You best take your mangy dog out of my station. If he shits on my platform, you'll get the mop, too!

cuppycup (Keeper): The porter is quite old, Chester. So you weren't really injured by the mop assault and everyone but this massive bald gentleman hoisting a large case gives you a wide berth. Julius, you're left on the platform with this incredibly hairy, tattooed creature. You think it might be a man?

London (Julius): And I proceed over to this, this person who must be part of this show or seeking the show as well.

Chester: Why would you say that? Why would you think that I would be part of a medicine show?

Julius: Because you look very interesting.

Chester: I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or as a insult.

Julius: Yes!

Chester: Wonderful. Good to meet you. I'm Chester McCoy.

Julius: Hi. Nice to meet you. Julius. Let's see if you can help me find exactly where we need to go. I'm very excited to talk to Bleeker.

Chester: Excited is not the word I would use. But I will walk with you and we will figure it out together.

cuppycup (Keeper): The platform is mostly empty now, with those that alighted here already hurrying away. But you aren't alone. A group of men in dirty clothes loiter here. They're slumped over posts and seated against the walls, watching you both with interest.

Chester: Hmm.

Julius: There seems to be a lot of activity around here, but I don't think these are the medicine show type.

cuppycup (Keeper): One gets up and approaches, grinning with broken black teeth.

Vagrant: Spare a coin. Spare coins?

Julius: I don't have time for this.

Chester: I have nothing.

Brandon (Chester): I kind of look at him, I mimic that I have no pockets, even though I do have pockets. But I have no pockets. And I just walk. I don't even walk. I just walk away.

Vagrant: That's horseshit.

Brandon (Chester): Oh, we're cursing the season? I'm pissed.

cuppycup (Keeper): And he scurries down the ramp into the shadows of a nearby building.

Julius: That was interesting.

Chester: I'm sure we'll see more as we get into town.

Julius: Alright.

Townsperson 1: Goddamn freak show Bleeker's bringing in here.

cuppycup (Keeper): You both walk down the ramp and onto Junction's Main Street.

Townsperson 2: This town gets weirder every day. We should really go to Austin.

cuppycup (Keeper): The town is laid out before you in all its glory. Rows and rows and rows of buildings in disrepair. Dozens more vagrants stir; their eager eyes follow you as you start to walk.

London (Julius): Fantastic.

cuppycup (Keeper): I can't stop thinking of Chester being Teen Woof.

Chuck (Eli): Teen Wolf? Yes! 

Brandon (Chester): Teen Woof!

cuppycup (Keeper): Oh, fuck. I forgot. That's going to follow me forever, isn't it?

Chuck (Eli): That made me so happy. No, that's perfect. Because if he's Teen Wolf, he's riding on the roof of the train. 

cuppycup (Keeper): Yeah, and Stiles was the engineer.

Brandon (Chester): *laughs* You guys are old as hell, what the...?

cuppycup (Keeper): Yep.

cuppycup (Keeper): You are listening to Ain’t Slayed Nobody. For ad-free episodes, heaps of bonus content, and special programming please join our posse at patreon.com/aintslayed or subscribe to Ain’t Slayed Nobody+ at Apple Podcasts. See the show notes for full credits, and help us grow by posting friendly reviews and spreading the word to your friends and followers. Thank you and good luck out there!